Finding balance between work and family for men

Having trouble figuring out how to make sure you’re putting adequate time into each of your chosen purposes?

First, know this: Multi-tasking is mostly bullshit. When I was a teacher, I made my students this deal; You don’t let your home life intrude on my classroom time with you, and I won’t make you do classroom stuff when you get home. In other words, be completely invested in your 55 minutes in my room, and I will assign no homework. It’s true that kids generally don’t do homework anymore. However, I was trying to teach these young people how to shift their attention in order to be fully focused on one task at a time. Efficient, laser-like focus completes tasks at peak efficiency. And it is impossible to apply that level of focus to more than one task at the same moment.

If you’re anything like me, you don’t like having multiple incomplete tasks hanging over your head. I like to grind on one thing until it’s complete, before I start on the next task. Whether that’s a construction project, a book I’m writing, some sort of home task, or even enjoying family and friends, I want to be ‘all in’ on each task. Research shows this is the most effective way to manage your life. Ask any high-producing man, and he will tell you the same.

All of that is great, as long as you have what is perhaps the most important skill that a man can possess; discipline.

We’ll define discipline this way: willingness to do things you don’t want to do now so that you can reap rewards later. Discipline is deeply tied to the concept of delayed gratification. It takes discipline to choose to wait to get the goodies. Know that the most powerful disciplines are the smallest daily examples. These are the things that require you to make the same decision over and over. That’s tough.

In a paper published in 1970, Walter Mischel, a professor of psychology at Stanford University, tested preschoolers using marshmallows. The test was very simple. The child was given one treat and told if they waited to eat it, they would receive two more of the same treat after some time had passed. The marshmallow test measures a child’s ability to delay gratification. The ability to delay gratification is a primary predictor for success in adulthood. Results of the test were strongly influenced by the actual presence of the first marshmallow, as well as the presence of the researcher or any other adult in the room. This is discipline 101.

It is okay to shovel shit through a keyhole. It is okay to take a job that pays good in order to make money. It can just be something we do while we set up a side hustle of whatever we DO want to do for a lifelong commitment. Once we build our side hustle, it can replace the job we don’t like.

— Joe DeGain

Joe DeGain is a successful health and fitness entrepreneur. Further, he is the primary trainer for anyone who would like to operate a CrossFit gym anywhere in the world. If you work out in a CrossFit box, chances are excellent that it was Joe who trained and certified your instructor. His best advice for how to be successful as a man is to be disciplined. Know that what you’re doing now may simply be a stepping-stone to your ultimate goals.

Getting up with an alarm clock is perhaps the most common form of daily discipline. Alarm clocks suck. It gets even worse when you’re getting up to go do something you don’t like to do. That fact just makes getting up with an alarm clock a more worthy goal. The tougher something is, the better you’ll feel about kicking its ass.

Pro tip: Have a morning mantra. Have a phrase you say to yourself that will make that discomfort worth it: “It will be worth it when I am successful,” “I’m doing this for my family,” or “The rest of the day will be better after this part.”

It feels so good in the moment to stay asleep, but you risk losing some very big things. Oversleeping can mean losing your job. The snooze bar can mean losing your relationship. These are important and certainly worth waking up for. A daily alarm clock is an excellent example of delayed gratification. Extra sleep is the marshmallow. Your paycheck is a giant bag of marshmallows that you will receive if you avoid the immediate treat. Fairly simple.

It’s important to note that the presence of two weekend days on which an alarm clock is not needed is an excellent reinforcer of this habit. When you sacrifice all week, those weekend days feel amazing. You don’t just get the immediate gratification of the sleep; you also have the satisfaction of having worked for it.

Oh, you want to know what I’m training for? Life, motherfucker!

— Jocko Willink

While life might be enough of a motivator for Jocko, you need to give yourself rewards for your discipline that are far more defined. If you’re leaning down for a race, you’ve got to be very careful about what you eat all week. This is where the cheat day becomes the extra two marshmallows. On that day you eat whatever you want to. This certainly makes it far easier to sacrifice during the week, because you know there’s a payoff.

Getting yourself into the gym, however you define it, is another form of discipline. Naturally, all these workouts are uncomfortable. However, you know you’ll look, feel, and perform far better as a result of your time and effort in strengthening yourself. This should also be carrying some short-term payoffs, especially if you’re just starting out. If you can see the bag of marshmallows, you’ll pass on the single treat. If you know there’s a tropical vacation or wedding coming up, you’re far more likely to stick to your workout plan.

On a bigger scale than getting up, working out, or how you eat, finances are certainly a great place to exercise discipline and delayed gratification. If you want the cool, big stuff, you’ve got to be willing to sacrifice the smaller, daily things. A Starbucks might not seem like a big investment, but added up over a whole year, that’s a lot of money. Five dollars every weekday turns into a thousand dollars a year. That’s an extra mortgage payment! Extrapolate that idea out over a thirty-year career. Dropping the fancy coffee could mean a brand-new car for free. It’s crazy what not spending five bucks can do.

Your mouth is perhaps the most impactful place you can exercise discipline. I’m not talking about what you eat. I’m referring to what you say. Keep in mind that it only takes one angry Karen on a social media witch hunt to deplatform a man. Take Rosanne or Jon Gruden for example. While I accept this risk as part of the game that I choose to play, you probably do not have that luxury.

What you say impacts your family, your coworkers, the company you represent, and countless others. Think things through. Decide if what you’re saying needs to be said to improve a situation. If it’s just complaining, we already talked about that. Keep that shit to yourself.

Men who are spoken for tend to be highly attractive to some types of women. As a committed man, you’re viewed as stable, reliable, and worthwhile. After all, a woman decided you were good enough to marry. Plus, lots of women love a challenge. What’s more challenging than a man who is not available? Nothing is. Add to that the fact that men tend to get better looking as they age, and you become a high-value target for some ladies.

If you find yourself being the envy of some other woman’s eye, you had better be prepared for that. Smiling and politely declining is always a solid move. Even better than that is making sure you’re never in a place where anything untoward could potentially happen. Keep that marshmallow off your plate to begin with. Being in a board meeting is fine but going to lunch in the same car together probably isn’t a thing you do. And for shit’s sake, don’t go for a beer with this woman after work, even if it’s with a large group of people. Exercise some discipline with women, bud. You can do it.

Disciplining yourself will result in a life of both plenty and appreciation. As Jocko likes to say, discipline is freedom.

Practicing discipline:

1. Download a stock trading app like Cash App; buy stocks with 10 percent of your income
2. Make a schedule that separates work and family time; stick to it
3. Exercise daily