Emotional Intelligence for Men

How many times have you heard a woman make some sort of comment about how men have no emotional intelligence?

Maybe not as many times as I have, given what I do for a living. And as a single man, I hear it even more. Let’s agree that a woman asking for a man with emotional intelligence is a common occurrence.

What does this mean, ‘emotional intelligence for men’? Let’s dig in and figure it out.

First, know this fact: 

Not all women possess this skill. Most do not.

Just because they are hyper-emotional compared to most men doesn’t mean they can apply any intelligence to it. This is a fact. Additionally, just because you show very few emotions (which some women interpret as having no emotional intelligence) doesn’t mean you are an emotional dunce.

As a man, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is being able to emotionally regulate. This is very simply the ability to recognize that you are experiencing strong emotions without letting them bleed out onto those who are around you. I’m sure you don’t want to burden anyone with your troubles. Good news! You can feel bad and not make others feel bad as a result. If you can do that, you have a high degree of emotional intelligence. This is a fantastic start

Additionally, if you’d like to take it to the next level, you can work on your ability to understand and quantify your emotions. First, know that most men believe the only negative emotion that is safely masculine is anger. While this is true on some level, if you stick to that as your rule for how you impact others, you’ll end up lonely. It’s just that simple.

Masks of Anger

Have a look at the graphic above. This is a visual representation of how a man might turn any negative feeling into anger.

Here is a typical scenario:

You know you don’t feel good. You’re upset somehow, acting negatively, uncomfortable, or otherwise unhappy.
You have two options:

1. First, you could just turn it into anger and wait for it to pass.
   a. She will notice your distance, and it will cause her to also be uncomfortable. This is NOT emotional regulation. Your distance is causing her distress.
   b. You will not be able to address the underlying problem because you’re ignoring it.
2. Second, you can recognize the negative feelings, figure out what they are, then come up with a battle plan. This is far better for you and for your woman.

How do you do this? I do it with separation first.

I’ll admit to myself (and maybe mention to her) that I’m feeling bad, then go find a therapeutic and productive activity to engage in while I’m figuring out how I feel. Lift weights. Split some wood. Work on your car. Cut the grass. Go for a run. Any of these activities will occupy your body while you focus your mind on figuring out what’s going on with your emotions.

Once you’ve figured out that your negative emotions are simply a high level of stress over something at work, you can begin to plan how you’ll deal with it. Next, you can report out to your woman:
“Hey babe, I haven’t been feeling good about what’s going on at work. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I plan to talk to the boss on Wednesday morning. I think I have a plan to fix everything. It’s nothing you need to worry about. Everything will be okay.”

You do it this way, and she will be amazed at your emotional intelligence. She will feel close to you, and you’ll have saved yourself significant additional stress from her. You’ll have experienced a feeling, diagnosed it, and come up with a plan to regulate yourself.

Nice work, Stallion.

This is only the beginning of your journey to becoming an emotionally intelligent man. I’ve written 3 books that will change your life, and how you approach emotional intelligence for men. Explore them here or find them on amazon.